I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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