I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
