Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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