Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
operation have a gay friend backfired
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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