Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
