She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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