And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You are a genius and a whore.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
