Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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