Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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