I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
