Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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