thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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