I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
