Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
