I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
