Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
