then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
