She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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