we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
