she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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