Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
