She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
