She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
