note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
