He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
