You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize