so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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