he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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