Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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