dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
