The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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