Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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