Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
