So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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