I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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