I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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