My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Randomize
