You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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