He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
