guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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