im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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