My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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