Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
