she woke up with a sticky ear
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
