how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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