mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
