From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
