I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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