Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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