Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
