My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
