did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
