Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
