Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
