come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
