Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
