i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
