I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize